Global-Scene -
Las Vegas

   Beginning our descent over Lake Mead, twenty minutes outside the Las Vegas airport, I can already see the flickering neon lights and hear the clattering of chips. The Hoover Dam is like Pavlov's bell and I'm starting to salivate in first-class. The captain has turned the 'behave civilized' light off and we are now free to...the sentence stops there.
   Now, for those of you who don't frequent Las Vegas often, first there are a few lessons to remember.
   Lesson number one: the state's largest natural resource is its overabundant supply of people who specialize in ways of making your money, theirs. Every variety of leech thrives in this desert town, from pool sharks, golf hustlers, and widow-hunting gigolos to your less creative, but equally effective, drug 'em and roll 'em in the alley folks.
   And let's not forget the women for hire. While some are straightforward enough to come with a printed menu of a la carte services, others are much less direct. The distinction between a hard-core Las Vegas prostitute and a soft-hooker in elegant evening ware can be as subtle as explaining the difference between a lunch and a luncheon to a guy from Alabama, and in the end, the difference is just as trivial. Caveat lover.
   Lesson number two: Las Vegas is a town fueled on payola, like Barter Town was fueled on pig shit. Anything that can get done, will get done with a favor, and every favor costs. More palms get greased by the hour than at a Fire Island circle jerk.
   So with those few words to the wise, it's time to get busy. No matter which direction you head, you're in for some of the greatest people watching on the planet. It's a wonder there's been any progress towards the cure for cancer when you realize how much medical attention has been diverted to Las Vegas to reshape the female physique. A random sample of girls, drawn from most any Vegas club or casino, could serve as a Mattel defense exhibit justifying Barbie's original proportions. There are many ways of busting out in Las Vegas.
   Speaking of which, it's time to choose a casino. Since the house always wins, whether the cocktail waitresses are dressed as pirates or Pinocchio, pick a spot based on something other than the slots. The most luxurious rooms can be found at the Venetian, the Four Seasons or Bellagio. If you're looking for a first-rate spa, the Canyon Ranch at the Venetian is Aces, whereas if it's a flesh fest you're after, you'll want a lounge chair by one of the pools at either the Mandalay Bay or the Hard Rock Casino. If you feel the need to shop, the top choices are Caesar's or the Aladdin.
   As far as the nightlife, the most coveted tickets in town are for Danny Gans performing in his new $30 million digs at the Mirage. Plan in advance if you want to attend the show, or just head out to the clubs with no warning at all. V Bar, Dre's, the Velvet Lounge, Studio 54, Rum Jungle and Baby's all have good nights, but will soon be eclipsed by Skin and Ghost Bar. These are two of the many hip destinations that will occupy the new Palms Casino opening in November, which is sure to be the new hot spot in town, at least until Steve Wynn opens up the new new Desert Inn. Staying abreast of Las Vegas' ever-changing landscape is hard work, but at least there are plenty of hard breasts in Vegas from which to choose.